It Takes a Village...

I know that the recognizable phrase is "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child", but I've been reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (also the author of Eat, Pray, Love) and one of the sections really caught my attention and interest.  Who supports a marriage?

I'm not talking about support as in, "oh, I'm so happy for you" or, "you guys are a great couple".  I'm talking about support in the sense that I wonder who will be there when we have our first big fight or when times get tough and I need someone to lean on.

Elizabeth talks about her trip to Laos, where she learns that there are three required stages before a divorce can be obtained.  Now don't get me wrong... there is no part of me that is planning on considering a divorce from the marriage that I don't even have yet, because that's not the point... it's the process.

So step one is to have the wife basically give in to her husband... yeah... not going to work for me... on to step 2.  This step includes getting the parents involved.  I can see my mom as being a great resource, a great shoulder to cry on, a great person to turn to when I need someone, but (hopefully) in cases like these, parents are a little biased toward their own kid.  Stage 3 is best to quote straight from the book...

"Now they must go before the village organization of elders- the same people who married them in the first place.  The elders will take up the problem in a public council meeting.  Domestic failures, then, become civic agenda items, like dealing with graffiti or school taxes, and everyone must pull together to solve the issue.  Neighbors will toss out ideas and solutions, or even offer relief - such as taking in young children for a week or two while the couple works out their troubles without distractions."

So let's take some perspective on this in relation to the world we live in.  We are not in Laos, and as much as I'm sure the city of Grand Prairie, or whatever city we end up settling in next, cares about our marriage, I don't think we can take "village" to mean the same thing that it does in Laos.

The village - the way I see it, the village is who you make it.  The people who stand up next you and make a formal display of their support of your marriage.  At times, I don't feel like bridesmaids and groomsmen understand what they are agreeing to.  Yes, you have to agree to wear the dress, smile in the pictures and host the parties, but the most important part of your job as a part of the wedding party is to confirm that you are someone who will support this marriage... again, not in the "hooray" sense, but in the tough times.  Gilbert also adds, "Maybe all of our marriages must be linked to each other somehow, woven on a larger social loom, in order to endure".

Change of direction... this is one of those few times where I'm using this blog for a deeper purpose (I usually keep topics like these in my journal).  This is a place for thoughts, for opinions, and as fun as it is to share pictures of my shoes and veil and centerpieces are, that's a wedding, and the marriage is 1,000,000 times more important than the wedding.  So I leave you with the opportunity to think, to share your own thoughts, and examine your own life and relationships.  If you're married, are those people who stood by you still there for you when times are tough?  Have you ever been caught up in the excitement of being a part of your friend's big day and said "yes" to their request to be a part of their village because you were asked instead of doing it because you were committed to being a part of their support structure?  I know that there is a lot of vulnerability to support, but I hope to be assured over the next year that our village is in this for the long haul because we asked them to stand with us to be a part of our marriage... not just our wedding.